I tried

I tried, I really did. I tried to let go of his little hand and let him be the big boy that he wants to be. I tried, though every part of me wanted to hold on. I tried to tell myself that it will be ok, he is a very smart kid and he knows what to do. I drilled and drilled him the night before and made him tell me step by step what to do. I tried to be ready.
He got on the bus fine, though I'm not sure what took him so long to go all the way in the back. He smiled and waved and was so excited that I forgot how nervous I was for that brief moment. He was so happy. He was on that bus. He was a big kid and he was doing it alone.
For most children, this would be fine. It's everyday thing that no one thinks twice about; but, not Mikey. From the moment he was born, I have never been able to let him out of my sight. It's not by my choice either. With my daughter, I never had to worry where she was. I knew. Right underneath me. When it came to Mikey, the moment I blinked, he was gone and someone was bringing him to me before I even realized he was gone.
I remember before he was born I always wondered how someone could lose a child, then God showed me and put me in my place. When one as a child like Mikey, it's very easy to lose a child. We have lost him several times. He wanders and wanders and wanders. He had to go get him from ski school because he kept wandering. He does it so quietly and quickly that sometimes we don't notice until he is almost outside the building with the van keys because he wants to go home. He has been doing this since he could walk and the last four years have been one long lookout post. It's so bad, that whenever we are out, what one would hear the most from us is, "Where is Mikey"? Not only does he wander, but he loves people and isn't even remotely scared of strangers. We could have harnessed with him on a leash, but we didn't want to do that. He would have outsmarted us on that one by wiggling out of it and hooking it onto something, anyways. In our mind, he needed to learn to stay near us. It is such a conundrum with him. He is a very smart child, yet he just gets so lost in his mind. He is now in Kindergarten, and his teacher was so amazed about how much he knew. He knows things that his sister didn't even know until second or third grade. He can tell me every street from home, to the gym, to the school and to Daddy's work, and yet he gets lost getting off the bus and has to be led to the door 30 feet away. Thank goodness for one of Shelby's friends who saw that he was lost and helped him.
He can be so sensitive to his environment and yet not care. He has been at school for a week and him and the time out chair have become buddies. He sits there, though, like its a reward. I asked him today why he went to the chair. He answered because the bugs that they were playing with at school bothered him. I asked him if they bothered any of the other children. Nope, just him. So he decided that since they bothered him, he was done with them and the chair was a much better alternative. Then I informed him that sometimes he doesn't have a choice. He then informed me that yes, he does. This I don't understand. He does get frustrated really easily and his motor skills have not caught up with his brain, but really? The chair is preferable that playing with toys? Who is this kid?
However, all this isn't as bad as the getting lost in his mind and wandering. It's like he just starts thinking about something and just totally forgets about his surroundings, and we have to go find him before that stranger does.
I tried today, I truly did. Thirty feet, that is all he had to go to get to his teacher, and he didn't make it. I'm not ready to let go of his sweet little hand. I'm not ready, and maybe he isn't either. Next week, I will just drive him in on Choir mornings. If it wasn't for the five mile walk with my friend today, I would have been a nervous wreck; and now I know why. Maybe next year, but as for this one, I'm still holding on.


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